Couples Therapy in Scottsdale, AZ
Go from fighting non-stop to loving each other again.
Here’s the thing…
Relationships are hard work. We all know that. The majority of our entertainment (love songs, movies, jokes) is based on that exact reality. The issues in a relationship get amplified when people have different ways of thinking, communicating, and perceiving the world around them. I see this EVERY DAY in my work with couples struggling with neurodivergence or addiction. It can feel like you’re speaking completely different languages. It’s like you’re talking about apples, and your partner’s talking about robot elephants wearing polka-dot hats. 🙄
Feeling Disconnected and Frustrated
The unfulfilled promises, emotional blow-ups, misreads, and missed cues can leave you both feeling isolated in the very relationship where you want to feel most at home. This often leads to you both feeling disconnected from each other, tons of arguments that do nothing but make you feel like crap, and a substantial slump in your sex life. Maybe you’ve had the same argument for the 500th time, or you’ve hit a point where one of you is shutting down while the other’s exploding—or both. You’re exhausted, frustrated, and wondering if this is just how it’s always going to be. Spoiler: it doesn’t have to be.
A lot of people start thinking, “Maybe we just shouldn’t be together…”
So you try reading some books, listening to podcasts, and maybe even couples therapy. But, nothing seems to do the trick. The books and podcasts give you some ideas that fail, and the couples therapist doesn’t get you at all, using flowery language that doesn’t make any sense. You just want practical strategies that work for real people!
The good news? You can get out of this cycle. This isn’t about finger-pointing or fixing one person; it’s about learning how to work together in a way that actually works for you. That’s where I come in. Let’s break it all down and build something better—together.
What is Couples Therapy?
In couples therapy, the couple as a unit is considered the client. That means that there’s no taking sides or “blaming” one partner for the issues in the relationship. The focus is on the dynamics of the relationship as a whole and fostering a deeper understanding and emotional connection between the partners.
The process starts with an in-depth assessment. Every individual is unique, and every couple is too. Just like a doctor looks at x-rays before setting a broken bone, we assess the history of your relationship, communication patterns, and the needs of both partners to really get a good look at what’s going on both on and underneath the surface. I meet with you together as a couple and then separately as individuals to see the relationship from all angles.
Setting Goals and Creating a Treatment Plan
Then, we talk about goals and a plan for treatment. I give you my impressions and recommendations, and we start addressing the issues most important to you. In other words, it’s not just my agenda; we create a roadmap for treatment together as a team. You two are the experts on your relationship, and I’m here to guide you through the process of fixing the problems and coming together.
Tackling Repetitive Conflict
For example, let’s say one of your biggest challenges as a couple is repetitive conflict. That is a conflict that makes you feel like you’re on a hamster wheel and repeating the same phrases over and over until you’re ready to give up and crash on the couch with your favorite streaming app. The key to finding the right intervention to prevent these conflicts from escalating is understanding where, when, and how things go sideways in the conversation. So we slow things down and really dissect the patterns. Then, we fix the issue using the right tool. Just like we wouldn’t use a hammer to fix a hole in the wall because that would just make the hole bigger, I diagnose the problem and give you the exact solution to make it better. We then practice using the strategy in session to get more comfortable with it, since learning any new skill can feel a little wonky at first.
Applying Strategies at Home
Then, you go home and use the strategy without me there. It may go well or it may not. Either way, that’s fine, because it gives us great information about what the next steps should be. So if the strategy worked well, we talked about how it went and moved on to something else while still remembering to utilize the strategy as needed. If it didn’t go so well, we talked about why and made some adjustments in order for the strategy to work better for you. And, just like learning how to ride a bike or play a musical instrument, the more you practice the skills, the easier they get.
Strengthening the Emotional Bond
We also work on strengthening your emotional bond and connection, building (or re-building) a solid foundation for the relationship after a rupture in trust, getting on the same page about household responsibilities, and improving intimacy and fun. What’s the point of being in a relationship if you don’t have any fun together? This is a big need for a lot of couples when they come to therapy because it’s natural for the spark to fizzle out when you’ve been together for such a long time. We all get caught up in daily routines, paying bills, doing the laundry, etc.
A lot of couples find they fall into a rut of doing the same thing day after day, and they end up feeling more like roommates than romantic partners. You may even find yourself planning date nights and feeling bored because you have nothing to talk about because you know everything about each other already. But, the truth is that you don’t know everything about each other because people change and evolve over time. Couples therapy can help you discover new things about each other and add some excitement back into your interactions. No more dinners spent in awkward silence or talking about paying the bills! You can find that spark again!
Who Benefits From Couples Therapy
Couples therapy works well for couples who are committed to each other and want to make the relationship work, or at least want to want it to work. Using the evidenced-based methodologies of Gottman Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT), you can work together as a team to heal the hurts and connect again. Once the relationship stabilizes into a better place, we usually taper down to less frequent sessions to give you more time in between sessions and see how things go. It’s kind of like taking the training wheels off the bike; we won’t know how you do on your own until we remove the frequent support. And when you feel like you’re ready, we talk about ending couples therapy. There’s no such thing as an exact number of prescribed sessions because you are not the same as other couples. You’re you.
Couples Therapy FAQ’s
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There are several different therapy methods that can be used in couples therapy. I primarily utilize two evidenced-based approaches: Gottman Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT). I use these modalities because there is a ton of research to back up the effectiveness of them and because it combines exploring attachment wounds in the relationship with learning concrete skills and practicing them, rather than just talking about the issues in the relationship abstractly. I find that most of the couples I work with appreciate this nuanced approach because they get into the deep seated issues and walk away from each session with a plan of what to do and how to do it.
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Couples therapy does involve an investment of time and money. It’s kind of like having an infection and getting prescribed antibiotics. If you don’t take the medicine, the infection won’t go away, so you have to be open to trying it. That being said, there really aren’t disadvantages to coming to couples therapy. At the very least, you’ll walk away with very effective tools and strategies for handling conflict, improving emotional and physical intimacy, and getting on the same page.
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Nothing is off the table in couples therapy. In fact, the more open and honest you are with your partner, the better your relationship will be. Most couples get into conflicts not because they share too much with each other, but because they communicate what they’re thinking in an unproductive way. In therapy, we work on how to say what you’re thinking and feeling rather than not expressing anything. The key is to say what’s on your mind in a constructive way that helps you avoid arguments rather than keeping things to yourself.
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This is completely up to you. As I mentioned above, the more open and honest you are with your partner, the better. If there are certain topics or thoughts that you feel anxious about expressing, I usually recommend that you and I speak about it alone to tease out what’s going on and potentially get you to a place where you feel comfortable discussing it with me as a support. Everyone has different boundaries in a relationship regarding what they share and don’t share with each other. Generally speaking, if there’s something big going on, I recommend sharing that with your partner. But, at the end of the day, it’s your relationship, not mine. So, you get to decide where your boundaries lie.
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You’ll know. While we can’t measure progress in couples therapy the way doctors measure blood pressure or cholesterol, you’ll start to notice small changes here and there. And then, before you know it, you look back and think, “Wow, we’ve come a long way!” It’s kind of like hair growth. You don’t necessarily feel that it’s growing every day, but one day you look in the mirror and notice that it’s gotten longer. Sometimes you may take two steps forward and one step back, and that’s okay! Progress in therapy often isn’t linear; it’s bumpy. The steps back can be frustrating, but hang in there! The steps back are usually temporary, and then we see a ton of growth!
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The first three sessions are focused on assessment so that I can get a really good idea of what’s going on in your relationship and what both of you are hoping to gain from couples therapy. I meet with you together as a couple as well as individually to see the relationship from all sides. After that, each session focuses on something relevant for you. Whether it’s resolving a recent conflict, working on improving the spark in the relationship, or figuring out how to compromise, we use structured exercises and tools that you can take home and use outside of session. After all, you’re not just looking to make things work in my office; you need to be able to make things work at home in your everyday life.
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Not at all! In fact, couples therapy is often the main factor in saving a relationship! While I can’t give you a 100% guarantee that couples therapy will prevent you from splitting up, couples therapy is often the best medicine for healing and reviving a relationship.
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This can vary quite a bit based on the issues in the relationship. Some couples attend therapy for years, while some couples resolve their issues in weeks. On average, most couples spend about 6 months in therapy.
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If you’re on this page and wondering if couples therapy is a good idea for you, I’m gonna take a guess and say it probably is. The methods I use are backed by research, so if the desire is there, the strategies work! That being said, if you’re not sure if it’s a good option for you and your partner, book a free consultation, and I’d be happy to make some recommendations for couples therapy or other resources.
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There are a few different couples therapy treatment interventions that can be helpful. As a couples therapist, I primarily use Gottman Couples Therapy, an evidence-based modality that provides couples with the language and strategies they need to improve connection and reduce conflict, and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT), which helps us explore and repair attachment related wounds in the relationship. Both Gottman Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy have been extensively researched and shown to be effective treatments for couples in distress.
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Research has shown that the most important factor in successful therapy is the relationship between the therapist and the client. I always say that finding the right therapist is a little like dating; sometimes you need to feel the therapist out to determine if they’re a good fit for you. That’s why I encourage my clients to tell me if something isn’t working. So, if you feel like we’re focusing too much on one topic or you’re having a hard time understanding a concept, please let me know so I can change directions. At the end of the day, my priority is to help you reach your goals so I work myself out of a job. So I love when my clients tell me when something isn’t working so we can fix it.
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The big overarching goals of couples therapy are improving emotional connection and understanding of each other, developing healthy and productive communication skills, understanding how to avoid and resolve conflict, and repairing the relationship when there is a breach of trust. Some secondary goals can include creating/revising your household responsibilities agreement, making big life decisions, and finding a compromise for difficult topics, such as parenting decisions.
How I Can Help As a Couples Therapist
When you’re struggling with constant arguments, not understanding each other, and have gotten to the point where you don’t even have fun together anymore, the idea of being able to fix things can feel like an impossible task. This can be especially challenging when one or both partners are struggling with neurodivergence, trauma, or addiction because those brains have very different needs. Sensory differences, processing styles, and emotional regulation struggles can turn everyday interactions into battlegrounds. My guess is you’re sick of feeling like you carry the whole load of responsibility or avoid answering the phone knowing it may be that call that you’ve been dreading. Maybe you feel like you’re just roommates and have given up on trying to figure out the “right” thing to say to your partner. All of this makes a lot of people ironically feel completely alone, even though they’re in a committed relationship.
This is where I come in. Using research-based strategies that have been proven to be effective for couples, we get to the root of the issue and find solutions. I help my clients get on the same page, truly understand each other’s needs and desires, and start speaking the same language, so they talk to each other and not at each other. I don’t take sides, because it’s not about my needs, it’s about yours.
The Fuzzy Socks Therapy Approach to Couples Therapy
The foundation of my couples therapy approach includes Gottamn Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT). Gottman Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) are both evidence-based therapeutic interventions specifically designed for couples. Because the needs of neurodiverse couples or couples impacted by addiction and/or trauma are so unique, I tweak the interventions as needed to fit the needs of my clients. It’s kind of like using a cookie cutter for the dough and decorating with my own concoction of sprinkles and icing: a solid base with a blend of toppings designed specifically for each individual couple. It’s like when a doctor prescribes medication but they adjust the dosage for your body. Just like a child needs a different amount of medicine than an NFL linebacker, you may need some different tweaks to the formula than another couple.
What Sets Me Apart
Here’s what’s different about me:
I don’t do bullshit.
So many couples come to me after working with another couples therapist who they felt didn’t help them because they just came in week after week talking about feelings. While we will talk about your feelings, it’s not all we do. I teach actual, concrete skills and a formula for communication that works so you can start seeing results right away. And I don’t use fluffy language, like “let’s make space for that,” without translating it into something you can grasp onto. Because, at the end of the day, you need solutions for your relationship, not an esoteric, theoretical discussion.
I have master’s degrees in education and clinical social work and have worked as a therapist and teacher- so I know the skills I’m teaching, how to teach them well, and how to adapt everything to meet the individual needs of my clients.
I’m not your average therapist. I don’t just sit there and nod along, telling you to share your feelings with each other and leave it at that. Many clients feel like they’re just talking to a good friend when they come to see me. It’s probably the New Yorker in me 😁
I can’t promise you that the work will be easy (nothing in life worth having is that simple), but I can promise you this: it is ABSOLUTELY WORTH IT!
Begin Reconnecting With Your Partner With Couples Therapy in Scottsdale, AZ
You don’t have to continue to live with constant fighting, miscommunication, and only vague memories of being in love anymore. Couples therapy can help you and your partner get on the same page and fall in love again! At my Scottsdale, AZ therapy office, I specialize in working with couples impacted by neurodivergence or addiction. To start your counseling journey, follow these simple steps:
Meet with Lianna, Gottman couples therapist.
Start building a relationship that doesn’t just survive, but thrives.
Other Counseling Services at Fuzzy Socks Therapy:
Couples therapy isn’t the only service we offer in our Scottsdale, AZ office. We know you may be looking for other services that aren’t couples therapy. Other therapy services at Fuzzy Socks Therapy include therapy for neurodivergent adults and teens, addiction therapy for individuals, discernment counseling for couples who aren’t sure if they want to stay together or split up, and neurodivergent parent coaching. For more on couples therapy check out my Blog!