The Role of Communication in a Healthy Relationship: Top Tips From a Couples Therapist
The most common question I get from couples in couples therapy is how to improve communication in their relationship. At times, working on communication issues can feel like an attempt at smoothing out all the air bubbles from that clear plastic screen you put on your phone, aka: impossible, frustrating, and eventually makes you feel like giving up.
The good news is that it’s actually VERY doable! You just need the right tools for the job. So instead of driving yourself crazy trying to smooth out those air bubbles with just your hopes and good intentions, keep reading for a couples therapist’s top tips and tools for healthy communication for couples.
Tips For Practicing Communication For a Healthy Relationship
Practice Active Listening
What are you usually doing when your partner is speaking? Are you really listening? Maybe you’re partially listening and partially thinking about that awesome episode you just watched and can’t wait to talk about it. (I’m guilty of this one! I’m currently re-watching The Walking Dead, so I’m often thinking about where to hole up in case of an impending apocalypse.)
As humans, it’s completely natural for us to split our attention sometimes. Many of us have gotten very comfortable with multi-tasking so that we can drive, talk on the phone, eat a breakfast burrito, and catch up on our favorite podcasts on our way to work. The problem is that when we do that, we often miss the subtleties of what someone is saying.
Think about it this way: would you try to do something intellectually complex, like assembling a new piece of furniture, while scrolling through your social media feed and listening to an audiobook? Probably not, because most of us need to give our full attention to the instructions so that we know we have enough of bolt A and connect them properly to panel B, otherwise instead of the table that we wanted, we end up with something that looks like a preschooler’s art project.
The Complexity of Relationship Communication
To be fair, not all communication requires our full attention. Most of us can drive while following directions from an app on our phone without getting into an accident. If you hear your kids arguing in another room, you usually know when to intervene, even though you’re missing some of what’s going on.
However, communication in a relationship can be just as complex as assembling furniture. In fact, when it comes to our relationships, it’s often even MORE complicated. Because communication with our partners is like that proverbial iceberg: there’s stuff that’s on the surface, but there’s often other things going on that we don’t see right away.
Imagine this: your partner comes home from work, you’re deep into an awesome movie marathon, and your partner starts talking to you about their stressful day. If the movie is still playing, you may still hear that your partner is stressed out, had a hard day, and feels frustrated. But you’re likely missing their facial expressions (maybe they look more sad than angry), their body language (burying their face in their hands can tell you they feel disappointed or embarrassed), and maybe even some details of what they’re verbally communicating to you.
Your partner may simply be feeling frustrated by something that they need to vent about and then will easily move on from. Or, your partner could be experiencing some guilt or shame related to something that happened. They could be worried about the future. They could be feeling torn about what needs to be done to fix the problem. There’s a whole mess of stuff that could be going on underneath the surface words of “I had an awful day.”
Knowing When to Actively Listen
So, it’s really important to pause the movie and really give your full attention to your partner in those moments. That’s not to say that ALL communication requires this level of listening. If you’re just talking about what time dinner will be ready, you likely don’t need to hyper-focus on what your partner is saying. However, many conversations between partners do require active listening to get the full picture.
Here’s my rule of thumb: if it’s a conversation that involves emotions, boundaries, or talking about something really difficult, you’ll want to give your partner all of your attention. On a side note, this also helps with emotional intimacy because it shows your partner that you care about what they’re saying (and who doesn’t want to feel that what they have to say is important to their partner?)
Bottom line: when it comes to serious conversations in your relationship, remember that the emails, streaming app, or whatever else can probably wait a bit so that you can actively listen to your partner.
Ask Clarifying Questions
Are you feeling unsure about what your partner means? Do you just have no idea what they’re talking about, to begin with?
Our brains are wired to fill in the blanks when we don’t have all of the information we need. Think about what happens when you listen to music and there’s an issue with the recording that makes you miss a few lyrics (remember CDs and all the skipping?) You usually don’t need to rewind to get the message of the song because your brain is able to fill in the missing words based on the context of the lyrics before and after.
This capability of our brains can be a huge help in lots of situations but can also backfire when communicating with your partner. If you misunderstand what your partner is telling you and your brain makes some assumptions, you could end up in a huge, blow-up fight. You respond based on those fill-in-the-blanks, your partner reacts out of frustration that the fill-in-the-blanks are wrong, and before you know it, you’re yelling at each other and someone is sleeping on the couch.
The Key to Preventing Miscommunication
The key to preventing this from escalating is to ask clarifying questions. It’s completely okay to do so in order for you to fully understand what’s going on, and it can actually really help the conversation go smoothly!
And you can even preface the question by voicing that intention. It lets your partner know that you’re listening and care about understanding what they’re saying. You can say things like “I’m a little confused, can you tell me more about what you’re envisioning for this?”
Imagine this: your partner talks to you about feeling like they have too much to do with taking care of the kids and need something to come off of their plate.
You don’t know what your partner is thinking about for a solution, and your anxiety makes your brain think that they expect you to take everything over, so you say something like “Well I’m really busy too.” Your partner feels frustrated because you assume they want you to do everything, and things quickly erupt into a screaming match.
But, the reality is that you don’t know for sure what they think a good solution could be.
So what if you say, “Okay, I hear that you feel overwhelmed and need some help with the kids. Are you thinking you’d like me to do more or do you want to hire someone to take over some of the responsibilities?”
Why This Approach Works
This clarifying question works for several reasons:
You’re acknowledging that your partner’s feelings and needs
You’re not jumping to conclusions about what they’re thinking
You reduce the chance of having a misunderstanding
Then you can both communicate rationally and calmly about finding a solution that works for both of you rather than getting swept up in a tornado of hurt feelings and resentment.
Bottom line: When you’re unsure about what your partner means, just ask!
Focus On The Feelings
When your partner is talking about something that is upsetting to them, what they usually want is for their feelings to be validated.
A lot of us try to help by problem-solving right away. It comes from a place of love and concern: we want to solve the issue that is causing our loved ones stress. Problem-solving definitely has its place, but we want to validate feelings FIRST.
The Science Behind Emotional Validation
Here’s why: we (humans) are pack animals. We’re meant to live and function in groups for survival. Our brains are wired to seek approval and support from others. Granted, we’re not living in caves anymore, but our brains still function in the same way. So when your partner gets an email that frustrates them, for example, the very first step is to validate the feelings they’re having. A lot of the time, a simple “That sucks!” or “Ugh, that’s so ridiculous that they sent you that email!” will suffice.
How to Validate Without Agreeing
Now, a lot of people will say that they don’t want to lie or think their partner is overreacting and don’t want to validate the reaction. The key difference here is that you’re not validating an action or interpretation, you’re simply validating the feeling.
So, for example, if your partner is venting about an email from their boss and you think it’s an overreaction, you can still validate the feeling without getting into their reaction to the email. For example, you could say, “I see how frustrated this email is making you feel” or you could even skip the verbal response and just give them a hug. You’re not condoning a behavior or reaction by doing these things, you’re simply sending a message to your partner that you’re on their team. At the end of the day, that’s what most people need to feel when dysregulated: not alone.
On the flip side, “calm down” or “you’re overreacting” are some of the WORST things you can possibly say. Why? Because it communicates the opposite of what they need. You’re essentially telling them their feelings aren’t valid and you’re not on their side.
Feelings Are Always Valid
One key thing to keep in mind is that feelings are always valid and feelings aren’t facts. So, if in the middle of an argument, you feel like your partner doesn’t care about you, that feeling is very real and valid. But, that doesn’t mean it’s actually true: your partner probably does care about you even though it doesn’t always feel that way.
So if your partner is venting about something and you don’t get why it bothers them so much, just remember that you don’t have to get it. You just need to show them that you’re on their side and validate whatever feelings they’re experiencing.
Once your partner has calmed down a bit, you can brainstorm some solutions to the problem. Once calmed down, they’ll be better able to process the situation rationally. At a later time or day, you can bring up how you felt while your partner was venting (if that’s an issue you want to discuss) or any constructive feedback you may want to give. But all of that needs to be put on the back burner. At the moment, your partner needs you to focus on them and their feelings and nothing else.
Bottom line- A simple “that sounds really hard” can go a long way!
Don’t Compare/Compete
When talking about a difficult experience, a lot of us have a tendency to respond by comparing or relating our own experiences to theirs in some way. Phrases like “Well at least you don’t have it as bad as…” or “You should be grateful at least for…” may seem like a great way to make someone feel better, but they actually tend to make people feel even worse. It even happens when we express a basic need. How many of us have talked about feeling hungry and received "Well you can wait, there are starving children in the world!” as a response? Though the intention may be good, it doesn’t make the hunger go away.
The same goes for our emotions.
Imagine this: you’re recovering from a surgery and in a lot of pain. You’re barely sleeping because of the lights and noises in the hospital. Someone comes into your room and talks about how they had it way worse one time. How do you feel?
Yeah, it doesn’t feel great. You’re in pain and don’t have the capacity to focus on someone else’s. It can also feel like a slap in the face because you’re the one suffering in that moment, not anyone else.
When your partner is talking about something that’s important to them, keep the focus on them. Statements that compare or compete for suffering usually come across as being dismissive and minimizing what your partner is going through.
Bottom line- Your needs matter too, but not at that exact moment. Put your stuff on pause.
Ask What Your Partner Needs
Sometimes we know what our partner needs when they’re upset, but that’s not always the case. You may be unsure about what would be helpful at that moment. And you may end up adding fuel to the fire by trying to help but doing something that really doesn’t work. And that really defeats the purpose.
You can always ask your partner what they need if you don’t know. It shows that you’re noticing they’re upset and that you want to help!
You can say something like “I see you’re really stressed out right now, how can I help?” Or you could say “I know you’re having a really rough day, is there anything I can do to help you feel better?”
Then, be willing to do what your partner asks (if feasible). So, if your partner wants to talk, listen. If your partner wants to be alone, walk away. And if your partner just needs a hug, give them a hug.
Bottom line- When you don’t know what to do to help, ask!
Think Before You Speak
Yeah, I know. It’s easier said than done!
We all sometimes blurt things out that we later realize weren’t the best thing to say. We often need to take a pause before speaking to prevent an argument from escalating. Even if it’s not in the heat of a fight, we sometimes say things we wish we hadn’t. (Cue the coming-of-age film where the kid says something SUPER embarrassing on a first date and obsesses over it for weeks…)
It’s never going to be perfect. We’ll all continue to make mistakes sometimes in what we say or how we say it. But, pausing and taking a breath before speaking can definitely help prevent this from happening.
Bottom line- It’s completely ok to take a second to take a deep breath before responding.
Your Healthy Communication Cheat Sheet
Putting it all together, here’s a little cheat sheet from Fuzzy Socks Therapy for healthy communication in your relationship:
Actively listen (put down the phone when your partner is talking)
Ask clarifying questions when you don’t understand something
Validate your partner’s feelings when they’re upset (show them you’re on their team)
Don’t compare/compete (keep the focus on your partner’s situation)
If you don’t know what your partner needs, ask!
Take a breath and think before you speak
Improve the Communication in Your Relationship With Couples Therapy in Scottsdale, AZ
Strengthen the foundation of your relationship by learning tools to navigate conversations with understanding and empathy. Couples therapy offers a safe space to break old communication patterns and build healthier, more supportive habits. Together, with the support of Fuzzy Socks Therapy, you and your partner can create a deeper connection rooted in trust and open dialogue. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Meet with Lianna, Gottman couples therapist.
Start building a relationship that doesn’t just survive, but thrives.
Other Counseling Services at Fuzzy Socks Therapy
Couples therapy isn’t the only service we offer in our Scottsdale, AZ office. We know you may be looking for other services in addition to couples therapy. Other therapy services at Fuzzy Socks Therapy include therapy for neurodivergent adults and teens, addiction therapy for individuals, discernment counseling for couples who aren’t sure if they want to stay together or split up, and neurodivergent parent coaching. For more on couples therapy check out my Blog!
