Communication Skills Every Couple Should Master: Tips From a Couples Therapist in Scottsdale, AZ
Communicate your needs directly and assertively. When some people hear these words, they think of someone being rude or pushy.
The reality is that assertive communication doesn’t need to be this way at all. In fact, direct communication between partners is a key skill to keeping a couple’s relationship healthy and long-lasting! Read on to learn how partners can develop these communication skills to strengthen their bond and address challenges together and find extra support with couples therapy in Scottsdale, AZ.
The Complexity of Human Communication
Communication between humans is complex. When it comes to verbal communication, there are 4 types:
Passive
Passive aggressive
Assertive
Aggressive
What is Passive Communication?
Passive communication usually looks like not communicating at all, or communicating very minimally. This is a natural go-to type of communication for many people, whether they realize it or not.
Example: Your partner asks, I know it’s my turn but would you mind taking the dog for a walk? You say “Oh ok, sure no problem” even though you don’t want to or feel the responsibility falls on you too much.
I call this the “yes dear” response. You don’t express your thoughts or feelings, you’re just doing what your partner asks for as a way of avoiding a potential conflict or uncomfortable situation.
What typically happens is that over time, you don’t get your needs and wants met, so you slowly build up feelings of resentment and hurt, and often your partner doesn’t even realize what’s going on. So if you do eventually bring this issue up to your partner, they may feel like it’s coming out of nowhere. It’s a lose-lose situation because you don’t get your needs met (partner taking on more responsibilities) and feelings of resentment build.
What is Passive-Aggressive Communication?
Passive aggressive communication is what we usually label as “digs” at someone or kind of communicating what you want but in a really roundabout or even sarcastic way. This is another one that is very commonly seen in romantic relationships.
Let’s take walking the dog as an example. You say “Well I have to do everything around here anyway so sure, I might as well do this too.”
Example: You’re saying you’re frustrated that you’re doing more work in a backhanded way that’s meant to provoke a response from your partner. Ultimately, you want your partner to offer to take the dog out and acknowledge that you’ve been doing more when it comes to household responsibilities.
Your partner may or may not get the message of your feelings of frustration. What they will typically pick up on is the dig at them, which often leads to a fight in a heartbeat. Just like passive communication, ongoing passive-aggressive communication usually breeds a lot of resentment. And the issue doesn’t get resolved. You don’t feel like less is being put on your plate and the relationship struggles, so it’s a lose-lose.
What is Aggressive Communication?
Aggressive communication is angry and/or judgemental communication.
Example: Using the dog walking example, you yell at your partner, “Are you kidding, what the hell is wrong with you, why can’t you just do one thing?!”
Your feelings on the subject are clear, but it’s done in a harsh way, so your partner reacts defensively rather than actually attuning to your needs. This usually quickly leads to a big fight. And just like the other types of communication above, this doesn’t meet your immediate needs and causes a big rift in the relationship. Another lose-lose.
What is Assertive Communication?
Assertive communication is clear, concise, respectful, and direct.
Example: For walking the dog, you could say, “Ok, I can pitch in this time if you need it.” OR if you aren’t able to/don’t want to: “I would but I’m running late for this appointment,” or “Well, we did agree to this dog walking schedule, so what’s going on that’s getting in the way?” (not sarcastically).
Your partner may not get the response they want, and that’s okay. The point is that you’re communicating it in a way that is clear and kind. What your partner does with that information is on them.
The Importance of Verbal Communication
The healthiest and best form of communication is assertive. That doesn’t mean it’s perfect and that we always communicate this way, but it’s what we want to aim for. All of the other types of communication may meet an immediate need in the short-term (like avoiding conflict) but will definitely lead to big issues in the relationship in the long run.
It’s kind of like going on a road trip and avoiding stopping to use the bathroom. Sure, you can save a few minutes. But, you may end up being super uncomfortable and miserable trying to hold it in until you reach your destination. You’re usually better off stopping at a rest stop for 5 minutes and continuing on your trip.
It’s also important to make sure to verbally communicate your needs because nobody is a mind reader. You cannot assume your partner knows something you need or want. Just because it’s obvious to you, doesn’t mean it’s obvious to them. Assertive communication is a win-win for couples.
How Couples Therapy Can Help
While assertive communication is an essential skill, it can be challenging to develop, especially if past communication patterns have caused tension in the relationship. Couples therapy at Fuzzy Socks Therapy offers a safe space to practice and refine these skills with the guidance of a professional. A skilled couples therapist can help both partners navigate difficult conversations, express their needs clearly, and rebuild a stronger, more connected relationship.
Overcome Communication Issues With Couples Therapy in Scottsdale, AZ
At Fuzzy Socks Therapy, we specialize in helping couples improve their communication and rebuild their bond. If miscommunication or unresolved frustrations are impacting your relationship, couples therapy in Scottsdale, AZ can provide the tools to express your needs clearly and respectfully. Let us guide you toward a healthier, more connected partnership. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Meet with Lianna, Gottman couples therapist.
Start building a relationship where open communication strengthens your bond and helps it thrive.
Additional Counseling Services at Fuzzy Socks Therapy
Couples therapy for couples struggling with their relationship isn’t the only service offered at our Scottsdale, AZ office. We know you may be looking for other services in addition to couples therapy. Other therapy services at Fuzzy Socks Therapy include therapy for neurodivergent adults and teens, addiction therapy for individuals, discernment counseling for couples who aren’t sure if they want to stay together or split up, and neurodivergent parent coaching. For more on couples therapy check out my Blog!
