How to Navigate Difficult Conversations in Your Relationship: Tips From a Couples Therapist
Why Difficult Conversations Are So Hard
Most of us like having fun conversations. Talking about a show we’re binge-watching, a sports game, or an upcoming vacation can be fun!
But, when it comes to having difficult conversations, that excited feeling goes right out the window. Whether it’s talking about financial issues, disagreements about parenting decisions, or discussing something super uncomfortable, like sex, many of us tend to avoid the discomfort by avoiding the conversation.
Let’s be real, there are all sorts of things you can use to postpone having that conversation: the kids need help with their homework, you’re really tired, your friend’s cousin’s boyfriend’s dog just died and you want to support them…
The list can go on and on. This is because when we feel uncomfortable, our brains tell us to do something to get away from the thing that’s causing the discomfort. It’s an evolutionary process that helps keep us safe when there’s a potential threat to life.
The problem is it doesn’t work so well in our modern-day relationships. Most of the time, we’re better off having the discussion sooner rather than later. Couples therapy in Scottsdale, AZ, can help by providing a supportive environment where you and your partner can face difficult conversations with confidence and understanding. Looking to start navigating conversations on your own? Read on to learn how!
What Are Difficult Conversations & How to Have Them
I think of difficult conversations as being anything that you know will cause you and/or your partner discomfort to talk about. Usually, these conversations center around something that may be triggering for either one of you, delivering bad news, involving feelings of vulnerability, asking something big, or admitting fault. It’s not fun. It’s not light. It’s not easy.
Here are my best tips for having difficult conversations in your relationship:
Preparing For a Difficult Conversation
1. Timing:
Think about what time/day would create the best setting for this conversation. Maybe your partner is so tired from work during the week that a weekend would be best. Or maybe it’s the opposite: maybe you and your partner love spending quality time together over the weekends, so a difficult conversation is better to start during the week so that you keep your weekend fun. Would a morning or evening be better?
2. Setting:
Similar to timing, think about what setting might be best for you and your partner to have a difficult conversation. Would it be better to have it at home on the couch or while going for a walk? Is it better to do it in person or over the phone?
3. Things to avoid:
You also want to think about things to avoid the difficult conversation. For example, is your partner really tired and mentally spent after work? If so, after the work day may not be the best option. It’s probably best not to have the conversation while one or both of you are distracted by something else, like driving.
4. Jot down notes:
As cheesy as it may sound, jotting down notes can be really helpful, because you’re very likely to forget something when you’re feeling anxious and having a conversation. What is the main message you want to convey? How do you think your partner will feel when you bring it up? How might they react? How will you know if it’s getting too escalated and you should take a break?
Effective Communication Strategies
Ask For Permission: Ask your partner if they have a few minutes to talk about something (don’t assume it’s a good time for them)
Use “I” statements: “When_____happens, I feel_____. So I would appreciate it if you/we could____ instead.”
Example: “I feel frustrated and worried when you forget to pick the kids up from school. I’d like us to figure out a better system that works for both of us and the kids so this doesn’t happen again.”
Include context: “I’m feeling really nervous about saying this to you, but I think you deserve to hear the truth about what happened.”
After The Conversation: What to do Next
Listen!
Your partner may take it well, not well, or anything in between. It’s important to listen to their feelings about what you’ve said. If they react badly, try not to take it personally (I know, that’s HARD). Remember that initial reactions are sometimes about them and not you or what you said, and your partner may be highly emotional at the moment and then will be able to think more rationally about it later. If the conversation gets angry or doesn’t seem productive anymore, take a break and come back to it later. It’s always okay to decide to come back to a conversation another time. Most problems are not emergencies and can wait to be resolved.
Tips For Success
If you’re worried you’ll forget something, use your notes!
Breathe
Take your time
If your partner has a tendency to interrupt, cue them ahead of time by saying something like “This is hard for me to express, so please let me finish before responding”
Have something to fidget with or hold if that’s helpful
If it doesn’t go well the first time, that’s okay! Try again another time
How Couples Therapy Can Help Navigate Difficult Conversations
In conclusion, navigating difficult conversations can be challenging, but it doesn’t have to be something you do alone. A couples therapist, like the one-on-one support offered at Fuzzy Socks Therapy, can provide the tools, strategies, and safe space needed to work through tough topics with your partner. With guidance, you can learn to communicate openly and constructively, fostering a deeper connection and understanding in your relationship.
Start Navigating Difficult Conversations With Couples Therapy in Scottsdale, AZ
If you're struggling with difficult conversations in your relationship, couples therapy in Scottsdale, AZ, can provide the support and tools you need to communicate effectively. At Fuzzy Socks Therapy, I offer a compassionate space for you and your partner to work through tough topics and rebuild connections. Together, we'll navigate these conversations in a healthy, constructive way to strengthen your relationship. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Meet with Lianna, Gottman couples therapist.
Start navigating difficult conversations in positive ways!
Additional Counseling Services at Fuzzy Socks Therapy
We know you may be looking for other services in addition to couples therapy. Other therapy services at Fuzzy Socks Therapy include therapy for neurodivergent adults and teens, addiction therapy for individuals, discernment counseling for couples who aren’t sure if they want to stay together or split up, and neurodivergent parent coaching. For more on couples therapy check out my Blog!
