Pick Your Battles: A Key Strategy From a Couples Therapist for Neurodivergent Couples
One of the most important (and liberating) adages that helps keep relationships happy and healthy is: “Pick your battles!” In the context of relationships, it means: don’t bring up every single annoyance or qualm to your partner. This concept is especially valuable in couples therapy, where learning to prioritize which issues to address can significantly improve communication and reduce unnecessary conflict.
Why?
Realistically, you can’t do it. If you did, you’d probably just complain about each other to each other all day every day. And who wants that?!
We all can (and should be able to) accept some constructive criticism with maturity and self-reflection. But we all have limits. There’s only so much the human brain can take at once.
Not every battle weighs the same. For example, your concerns about your partner’s mental health are naturally going to take priority over something small, like forgetting to check the mailbox.
Why Neurodivergent Couples Face Unique Challenges
Here are my best tips for neurodiverse couples in picking battles:
Picking your battles is a saying that means not bringing up every single issue you have with someone and being strategic about what issues you choose to address. This is really important in neurodiverse relationships because, as humans, once the honeymoon phase is over, we often feel irritated by the little things our partners say/do. And the reality for neurodiverse couples is that your brains are wired differently. So there’s a TON of those little differences in habits and ways of thinking.
The little things you used to find endearing or cute in the beginning eventually become annoying. And then on top of that, there’s the big stuff: financial decisions, parenting decisions, and lots of other things. Maybe when you first started dating, you didn’t really notice or think about your partner’s need to wear headphones throughout the day because of their sensitivity to noise, but now it’s really irritating you. Or maybe you were puzzled by it at first, but now you can’t stop thinking about it. Our feelings and reactions about our partner’s quirks change over time.
How Small Issues Can Escalate in Neurodiverse Relationships
Imagine if you actually told your partner every single annoyance you had with them every day. Most of us would end up just feeling criticized and frustrated most of the time.
Now, most of us don’t literally tell our partners every single issue we have with them. But, what many people tend to do is bring up too many issues in a short period of time.
This is a mistake because there’s only so much criticism the human brain can take. We’re wired to seek approval from other humans in our community because, before modern society, that’s how we survived. Think back to being an awkward teenager and how many of us were constantly thinking about what our peers thought of us. That instinct still lives in us as adults. So even though we’re talking about modern issues like cleaning the house and monthly expenses, repeated criticism gets interpreted by the brain almost as a threat to survival.
Tips for Picking Battles: When and What to Address
And when we get to that point, rational thinking and executive functioning decrease, so we often get into fights with each other and problems don’t actually get solved. All that happens is we end up feeling more disconnected from our partners. We often end up feeling alone.
Picking your battles is one really helpful tool for making sure your partner doesn’t get into that survival mode of brain functioning. You want to be strategic about choosing which issues to bring up, when, and how
For example: My husband often forgets to close cabinet doors and drawers. Does it irritate me? Yes. I don’t know why, but for some reason, it annoys me.
But, it’s not an issue I bring up to him because I’ve decided it’s not a battle I want to pick. We have other stuff that we’re focused on, so I let the cabinet thing slide and just close the doors myself.
Do I still sometimes feel really annoyed by it? Sure. I’ll huff and puff and mumble some choice words to myself. And then I take a deep breath, remind myself that this isn’t a priority in our lives, and move on with my day.
The Power of Letting Go: Choosing Not to Address Every Annoyance
The goal here isn’t to try to force yourself to not be bothered by these things, because you can’t do that. The goal is to make a conscious decision about what issues to bring up to your partner.
Now, if I did want to pick this battle with him, I wouldn’t just blurt it out randomly when I see the door open, because, at that moment, I would probably say it in a really annoyed tone of voice. All that would do is make him feel defensive and annoyed with me, and we could end up escalating into a huge fight.
If I did want to bring this issue up, I would really think about the best way to talk to him about it before acting. I would think about things like when would be the best time and how to verbalize my concerns.
Building a Stronger Relationship Through Conscious Decision-Making
The key here is to make informed and deliberate decisions about what to bring up to your partner rather than just reacting in the moment. By being intentional about which battles you pick, you create more space for meaningful connection and reduce the likelihood of unnecessary conflict. Letting the small stuff go doesn’t mean you’re ignoring your needs—it means you’re prioritizing the health of your relationship.
If you and your partner are navigating the complexities of a neurodiverse relationship, seeking support from a couples therapist can be incredibly beneficial. At Fuzzy Socks Therapy, we specialize in helping neurodivergent couples strengthen their bond through effective communication strategies, conflict resolution skills, and deeper understanding. You don’t have to navigate these challenges alone.
Overcome Your Battles with Supportive Couples Therapy in Scottsdale, AZ
If you and your partner are struggling with frequent conflict or communication challenges, neurodivergent couples therapy in Scottsdale, AZ can help you build a stronger, more harmonious relationship. At Fuzzy Socks Therapy, our compassionate therapists provide practical tools and personalized support to help neurodiverse couples navigate their differences with empathy and understanding. If you’re ready to strengthen your connection and overcome relationship hurdles, reach out today to schedule a session. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Contact us or click here to book your free consultation to schedule your couples therapy session.
Meet with Lianna, a Gottman couples therapist.
Start overcoming your battles!
Other Online Services Offered at Fuzzy Socks Therapy
At Fuzzy Socks Therapy, we recognize that couples therapy is just one piece of the puzzle when it comes to enhancing your overall well-being. Beyond helping couples navigate the complexities of neurodivergent relationships in couples therapy, we also offer support for neurodivergent individuals and teens, family support for addiction, coaching for neurodivergent parents, and discernment counseling for couples facing tough decisions. If you're outside of Arizona, I also provide online therapy sessions for clients in Florida and Colorado. Curious about how therapy can strengthen your relationship? Visit my blog for valuable tips and insights!
