Relationship Rules for Neurodiverse Couples: Advice From a Couples Therapist in Scottsdale, AZ
Relationships take work—no matter who you are. But for neurodiverse couples, that work can feel a little more complicated. Maybe one of you needs direct, literal communication, while the other relies more on subtle cues. Or maybe sensory sensitivities and emotional processing differences make certain situations feel overwhelming. These differences can lead to misunderstandings, but they don’t have to create distance. In fact, when you both learn to navigate them together, they can actually bring you closer. And if you find yourselves needing extra support along the way, couples therapy in Scottsdale, AZ can provide guidance in understanding each other’s unique needs.
The Key to a Strong Relationship: Understanding, Respect, and Communication
The key isn’t about trying to be the same or expecting your partner to think and react exactly like you do. It’s about understanding each other’s needs, respecting boundaries, and communicating in ways that make both of you feel heard and valued. That’s where these relationship rules come in.
As a couples therapist, these are some of the rules I encourage couples to follow. Think of them less like rigid rules and more like guiding principles—simple but powerful ways to avoid unnecessary conflict, strengthen your bond, and create a relationship where you both feel safe, supported, and connected. Let’s dive in!
1. No Name Calling
When things get heated, we all have a tendency to say harsh things we don’t mean. That being said, we want to try to avoid using labels or calling our partner names. Why? Because it’s completely ineffective: nobody reacts well when called a name. Most people become defensive and it usually ends up driving a wedge between you. All it does is add fuel to the fire. So if you sense a name/label coming out of your mouth, take a breath and regroup.
If it does happen, (because let’s be real, sometimes it does!) it’s time to own it. Acknowledge the hurt and apologize for calling your partner a name.
Along the same lines, another tactic we want to avoid is threatening to divorce or split up in the middle of an argument. That’s not to say that you can’t talk to your partner about your concerns and having thoughts of breaking up, but you don’t want to use it as ammunition against your partner.
Threatening a separation can result in a huge rupture in trust and make your partner feel like they aren’t secure in the relationship. And the reality is that when this threat comes out, it’s often in the middle of a very heated argument, so it’s coming from a place of frustration and hurt rather than truly wanting to split up.
2. No Shutting Down/Silent Treatment
Sometimes, you may feel overwhelmed and need a break from a discussion or argument. And that’s 100% ok!
The caveat is: you MUST communicate that need. Your partner can’t read your mind, so if you suddenly walk away or stop responding to them, they’ll probably feel hurt, frustrated, ignored, or that their feelings don’t matter to you.
Even though your partner’s feelings DO matter to you, their brain doesn’t know that in that moment. Our brains are wired to take in information from the environment (sights, smells, sounds, etc.) and draw conclusions. When we don’t have all of the information we need, our brains like to fill in the blanks.
Avoid Miscommunication and Assumptions
So if you walk away from an argument or discussion without communicating that you need a breather, your partner is probably filling in the blanks with all sorts of negative possibilities: you’re angry with them, you don’t care about them, you’re breaking up with them, the list can go on and on.
For some neurodivergent brains, being able to verbalize, “I need a break” in the midst of an argument can be extremely difficult. In that case, I always recommend having a single word or hand gesture to communicate what you need in those heated moments.
For example, let’s say you and your partner decide that your break word is “polka dots.” Whenever one of you uses that phrase, you both know exactly what it means, walk away from each other, and come back to it later. Or you can come up with a gesture, like tugging on your earlobe, if anything verbal feels too out of reach.
Whatever you choose, just make sure you both know what it means and allow each other space to cool down. Most things that couples argue about are not emergencies and can be put on hold for a bit.
3. Respect and Honor Boundaries
When someone sets a boundary, they’re essentially saying, “this is a thing I need for us to be in a good place in our relationship.” So that boundary, if previously discussed and agreed upon, needs to be respected.
If you forget or make a mistake, try not to beat yourself up over it. We’re all human, and changing habits (especially for neurodivergent adults) can be challenging. It takes time and practice. The important thing is to acknowledge the boundary violation.
So, for example, let’s say your partner sets a boundary about needing alone time when they first get home from work to decompress, and you forget one day and start talking to them as soon as they walk in the door. Is it great? No, obviously not. But it happens. The most important thing is to acknowledge that you screwed up and try to do better next time.
And when you do apologize, make sure it’s not immediately followed by “but…” Why? Because it comes across as making an excuse, even if that’s not how you’re intending it to sound. In that moment, the focus should be on what happened and your acknowledgement of it.
And if your new boundary is violated, remember to give your partner time to adjust and practice. Old habits are hard to break. Progress in this area is very rarely linear; it’s bumpy. So it’s completely normal to have some setbacks. Remember, nobody is perfect, and we often take two steps forward and one step back.
4. No Secret Expectations Allowed
Imagine this: you walk into the kitchen, say hi, and your partner starts yelling at you, “WHY DIDN’T YOU DO THE DISHES?!?!?!”
It may feel like whiplash and very confusing. You didn’t realize your partner expected you to do the dishes, so where is this all coming from? You may even question your memory, wondering if that conversation happened and you just don’t remember it. This often happens when there are unvoiced expectations in a relationship. What may seem obvious to us may not be obvious to others, so we need to communicate anything that is important to us.
This is especially important for neurodiverse couples. As a neurodiverse couple, your brains are functioning in very different ways. It’s not a bad thing; it is just what it is. In fact, those differences are often part of what attracted us to our partners in the first place! So the goal isn’t to try to get your partner to think like you or prioritize the same things you do. The goal is to communicate what’s important to you so your partner knows it.
This rule applies to everything in a relationship: little things around the house, financial decisions, sexual needs, parenting choices, date nights, etc. Just like with relationship rule #2, your partner cannot read your mind, so communicating things you want or need is crucial to a healthy and happy relationship.
If you have an argument over a secret expectation, it’s important to recognize it, acknowledge it to your partner, and make an effort to be more open next time you have an expectation.
5. Have your own life
Watch any romantic comedy movie, and you’ll see the main characters fall in love and be deliriously happy spending every waking moment together. There are rainbows, butterflies, and stars in their eyes, and they live happily ever after. So we watch these movies and get the idea that our relationships should look that way too.
It’s bullshit.
Healthy Relationships Thrive on Balance
As humans, we get different benefits from different relationships. For example, you may have a friend you go see movies with or a relative you like to travel with. This is perfectly healthy and normal!
Partners who understand that they will likely not have all of their needs met by this one person tend to have the healthiest relationships. It’s not a great idea to have all of your fun/supportive/intellectual “eggs” in one basket. It’s a good thing to spend some time with friends and family without your partner.
Time Apart Can Strengthen Your Bond
The other benefit is that it gives you a chance to miss each other a little bit.
Last year, I was sick of the snow (and it was only the beginning of winter!) so I decided I needed to get away for a few days. I decided to book a short beach vacation for myself.
It was awesome! I laid on the beach, went swimming, read a few good books, and had some time to myself. Lots of people I met were surprised to learn that I was there by myself while my husband was home. And I get why; some people find it surprising that a married person would go on vacation by herself.
I came home feeling re-energized and my husband and I both found that we missed each other. It gave us a chance to want to see each other, rather than just expecting it as an everyday routine.
This does not require a lot of free time. For example, you could go to the gym by yourself, meet up with a friend for lunch, walk the dog on your own, etc.
Here’s a quick tip: what’s something you enjoy doing that your partner doesn’t? Are there certain restaurants you love that don’t meet your partner’s dietary needs? This could be a great opportunity to have something that’s just for you!
6. Be Willing to Bend
We all tend to have our own ways of doing things, activities we enjoy, and all sorts of other creature comforts in life. This is especially true for people who are neurodivergent: we like things our way.
Here’s the tricky thing: your partner does, too! The only way to make a relationship work is to be willing to try new things and be open to changing our habits. Now, before you go down a rabbit hole thinking I’m suggesting that you change your personality for your partner, that’s not at all what I’m saying. Changing what we do, the way we do things, or being open to trying new things is NOT the same thing as changing who you are as a person.
We ALL need to adapt to have a healthy and happy relationship. This can be a really tough concept for neurodiverse couples. I often hear things like, “Why should I change when he’s the one with ADHD!?” or “I can’t help that I’m autistic, shouldn’t my partner adapt for me?”
The answer is that both partners need to adapt to each other.
As humans, we’re meant to live in families/communities to survive, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy! No two people are exactly alike, regardless of any neurodivergence you may share. This means that in order to have a happy and healthy relationship, you both need to be willing to bend.
Finding the Balance Between Flexibility and Non-negotiables
That being said, we all have our non-negotiables, and that’s ok! The point is that we need to be willing to bend in some areas in addition to having those non-negotiables.
Take my husband and me as an example. We’re very different people in a lot of ways. One issue that came up early on in our relationship was travel styles. I usually book hotels or cruises for vacation, whereas my husband always preferred renting a house for more privacy and fewer crowds.
So we experimented with it. On one vacation we booked an Airbnb, and the next, we booked a hotel. I learned that I really did enjoy the lack of crowds of the private home, and he found he liked the amenities of the hotel.
Now, we usually book very small, boutique hotels for our vacations because we get a bit of the best of both worlds. It works!
So not only were we able to find a compromise by bending for each other, but we ended up finding some awesome places to stay that we likely wouldn’t have found if we had just stuck with what we had always done.
Building a Stronger Connection
Navigating a relationship as a neurodivergent couple comes with unique challenges, but with patience, understanding, and the right tools, you can strengthen your connection. If these relationship strategies feel overwhelming or difficult to implement, neurodivergent couples therapy can provide the tailored support you need. At Fuzzy Socks Therapy, we create a safe, affirming space where you and your partner can better understand each other’s needs, improve communication, and build a relationship that works for both of you.
Strengthen Your Relationship With Neurodivergent Couples Therapy in Scottsdale, AZ
Every relationship has its challenges, but being in a neurodiverse partnership can add unique layers to communication and connection. Neurodivergent couples therapy in Scottsdale, AZ can help you and your partner navigate these differences with understanding, respect, and practical strategies that work for both of you. At Fuzzy Socks Therapy, we provide a supportive space where you can build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Contact us or click here to book your free consultation to schedule your couples therapy session.
Meet with Lianna, a Gottman couples therapist.
Start building a stronger, more fulfilling relationship today!
Other Services Offered at Fuzzy Socks Therapy
At Fuzzy Socks Therapy, we know that couples therapy is just one of many ways to support your well-being. Our services also include therapy for neurodivergent individuals and teens, addiction therapy, coaching for neurodivergent parents, and discernment counseling for couples facing tough decisions. If you're outside Arizona, I offer online sessions for clients in Florida and Colorado. Curious about how therapy can strengthen your relationship? Explore my blog for valuable insights!
