Neurodiverse Couples: Breaking Free from Labels and Redefining What’s Possible
"I Like the Wine and Not the Label"—What Does That Mean?
Is anyone here a Schitt’s Creek fan? One of my favorite quotes from the show is when David says, “I like the wine and not the label.”
Many interpret this line to be a metaphor for sexuality, saying that some people don’t have a preference for one sex or the other. For them, it’s more about the person and not their anatomy.
I really like this line because it can be applied to most things in life.
Why Our Brains Love Labels
As humans, we like labels. Our brains are wired to take information from the environment and put things and people into categories in order to help us detect danger and survive. For example, if you see a tiger attack and eat another living creature, your brain thinks, “Tiger = dangerous,” and saves that little tidbit of information to your hard drive so you stay away from tigers.
The problem is that this need to classify everything isn’t always helpful in our modern-day lives. In fact, getting stuck in labels can often make us even more confused and overwhelmed. A lot of us have a tendency to crave these labels and then see the world through the lens of that label.
How Labels Impact Neurodiverse Couples
I see this all the time with neurodiverse couples who come to me for neurodivergent couples therapy. Many people come in talking about how their autistic partner can’t empathize with them because they’re autistic. Or I hear the neurodivergent spouse talking about how their neurotypical partner will never understand their perspective on life because their brains are wired differently.
The reality is that regardless of diagnosis, all brains are different. The way we see and experience the world is influenced by our brain chemistry as well as our experiences in childhood, experiences in adulthood, biology, hormones, environments, and all sorts of factors.
All Couples Struggle- Diagnosis or Not
This means that ALL couples, neurodiverse or not, struggle. I’ll say it again: ALL couples struggle. It’s normal. It’s expected. I would be more concerned if a couple said they didn’t have any problems at all, because that would tell me something is off.
So even though having a diagnosis can give us some really good information, it’s not the most important thing when it comes to couples therapy at Fuzzy Socks Therapy. Labels, while sometimes informative, do NOT define the person.
Challenging Labels in Everyday Life
For example: I’m not a night owl. Maybe it’s from years of teaching or just in my genetics somewhere, but I usually go to bed early and wake up early.
So, when my husband wanted to get tickets for a concert that didn’t even start until 9 pm (umm, hello, that’s literally my bedtime!), my first instinct was to say no. After all, I’m not a night owl, and I thoroughly enjoy being in my PJs right after dinner. 😁
I took a moment to really think about it: I hardly ever go out at night anymore, I didn’t need to be up early the next day, and I’m pretty sure the last time I went to a concert was when my age started with a different digit. So I said yes! Was it a little uncomfortable getting out of my “put on PJs before the sun goes down” habit? Sure. But it was worth it! I had a little extra caffeine and gave myself permission to rest the next day. And it all worked out!
Labels Provide Insight, But They Don’t Define Us
My point is this: Labels like Autism, ADHD, neurodivergent, neurotypical, etc can sometimes be helpful in lots of ways. And, just because we have a diagnosis, doesn’t mean we have a crystal ball for what the rest of our lives will look like. Both things can be true. A couples therapist can help guide you to understand your partner's needs, and preferences, and how to communicate effectively with each other.
The most important thing to know about your partner is not their diagnosis, but to know them as a person.
What are your partner’s pet peeves?
When is the best time to have a difficult conversation with your partner?
When is the worst time to have a difficult conversation?
And the same goes for yourself. Put the diagnostic label aside for a moment and think about you as an individual.
How do you like to be comforted when you’re stressed out?
What do you need from your partner when you’re feeling overwhelmed?
What’s the best way for your partner to communicate with you?
Choosing Growth Over Labels
We have the power to choose what we want to work on changing, regardless of diagnosis.
At the end of the day, labels like ADHD, autism, or neurodivergent can help us understand ourselves and our partners better, but they don’t determine the future of a relationship. Just like I chose to challenge my own “I’m not a night owl” label for the sake of a fun experience, neurodiverse couples can choose to challenge the assumptions that limit their connection. ADHD may impact focus, autism may influence communication styles, and neurodivergent brains may process the world differently—but none of these mean a relationship is doomed to struggle. The key is focusing on understanding, communication, and the willingness to grow together—because love isn’t defined by a diagnosis.
Overcome Labels in Your Relationship With Couples Therapy in Scottsdale, AZ
Are you and your partner feeling stuck in your relationship because of labels like autism or ADHD? Couples therapy in Scottsdale, AZ at Fuzzy Socks Therapy, can help you both break free from these limiting assumptions and create a stronger, more connected partnership. Reach out today to start your journey of growth, understanding, and deeper connection with the support of a skilled couples therapist. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Contact us or click here to book your free consultation to schedule your couples therapy session.
Meet with Lianna, a Gottman couples therapist.
Start overcoming labels in your relationship.
Other Online Services Offered at Fuzzy Socks Therapy
At Fuzzy Socks Therapy, we understand that couples therapy is only one aspect of enhancing your overall well-being. In addition to couples therapy helping you overcome neurodivergent labels in your relationship, we offer services for neurodivergent individuals and teens, addiction therapy, coaching for neurodivergent parents, and discernment counseling for couples navigating difficult choices. For those outside Arizona, I provide online sessions to clients in Florida and Colorado. Interested in learning how therapy can help improve your relationship? Check out my blog for helpful tips and insights!
