5 Key Steps for Setting (& Keeping!) Boundaries for Couples From A Couples Therapist
Ever get annoyed at your partner for doing (or not doing) something, but you don’t know how to bring it up without starting a fight? Maybe they always leave dishes in the sink, interrupt you when you're trying to focus or don’t respect your need for alone time. (My pet peeve is my husband interrupting something I’m doing to tell me about the “awesome” hypothetical name for a band he just came up with.) Over time, those little things add up—and that’s where boundaries come in. Setting clear, simple boundaries can actually make your relationship stronger and help you feel more connected. If you’re struggling to navigate these conversations on your own, couples therapy in Scottsdale, AZ can provide the tools and support you need to communicate effectively and create healthier boundaries.
5 Easy Steps to Setting Boundaries in Your Relationship
As a couples therapist, I’ll explain how to set (and keep!) boundaries in five easy steps that feel good for both of you. Let’s dive in!
Pick one issue in the relationship that you would like to change
Why one? Because when we try to make too many changes all at once, it’s easy for both of us to get overwhelmed and throw in the towel. And if you and/or your partner give up, nothing actually changes.
Start with one pattern you’re noticing in your relationship that is really getting to you AND that is low-hanging fruit (simple for the other person to change).
Some examples:
Your partner leaves dirty dishes in the sink
Your partner is often late when meeting somewhere
Your partner keeps calling you while you’re busy at work
Think of what this situation would look like in an ideal world
Obviously, nothing in life is perfect, but we still want to acknowledge what “perfect” would be so we have a goal.
Some examples:
Your partner puts the dishes in the dishwasher right away
Your partner shows up on time or lets you know they’re running late
Your partner only calls during the work day if it’s urgent
Decide on the easiest/simplest way this change could happen
There are always multiple solutions to a problem. When you set a boundary with someone, you want to suggest a solution that is easy to implement so the person doesn’t feel so overwhelmed by the idea and in order to increase the chance of success. The solution you suggest could be your “ideal” OR something else that is a step in the right direction.
Some examples:
Having an agreement with your partner that they put the dishes in the dishwasher before going to bed
Asking your partner to text you when they leave the house so you know of an accurate ETA
Not picking up the phone when your partner calls during the work day and listening to the voicemail to determine if there’s a need to call back right away or if it can wait until after work
Implement the boundary
How this happens depends on who is implementing the change.
If you’re asking your partner to change how they do something, talk to them in a moment of calm (not in the middle of an argument), explain why this is important to you, and express how it would make you feel if they could make the change.
Some examples:
Saying to your partner: “I know it’s hard to remember to put dishes in the dishwasher throughout the day. Could you do me a favor and try to get into the habit of putting all of the dishes in the dishwasher at night before bed? It would really help me to feel like I come into a clean kitchen in the morning”
Saying to your partner: “Hey, could you text me when you leave the house so I know how much time I have to get there? It would really help me to feel less stressed about my drive time.”
Ask your partner, “It’s really hard for me to focus at work when you call. I get that sometimes you’ll need to because the issue is urgent. If you do have something urgent come up, could you text me with the gist of what it’s about so I know how urgent it is?”
Don’t give up!
Hold tight to your boundary! This will help you build a healthier and more fulfilling relationship!
Keep in mind that when setting a new boundary, many people will react with frustration because they’re used to things being a certain way and that’s okay. That’s not for you to hold. You hold your feelings, and they hold theirs.
Don’t give in!! You got this!
Remind yourself that you absolutely deserve to set and hold this boundary for your own well-being, regardless of your partner’s reaction
The Bottom Line on Boundaries
The bottom line is this: Are boundaries easy to set and keep? Nope! If they were, people wouldn’t talk about them so much. But boundaries are SUPER important because they help us get our needs met, feel better, and communicate to others what we will and won’t tolerate. If you’re looking for guidance on this journey, Fuzzy Socks Therapy is here to support you.
Begin Setting Boundaries in Healthy Ways With Couples Therapy in Scottsdale, AZ
Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be a battle. Couples therapy in Scottsdale, AZ can help you communicate your needs clearly and calmly, strengthening your connection. At Fuzzy Socks Therapy, we’re here to support you in creating a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Contact us or click here to book your free consultation to schedule your couples therapy session.
Meet with Lianna, an EFT and Gottman couples therapist.
Start setting healthy boundaries in your relationship!
Other Services Offered at Fuzzy Socks Therapy
At Fuzzy Socks Therapy, we recognize that couples therapy is only one of the many ways we can support you. Our services also include addiction therapy, counseling for neurodivergent kids and adults, discernment counseling for couples facing tough decisions, social groups for neurodivergent kids and teens, and coaching tailored for neurodivergent parents. Not located in Arizona? I also offer online sessions for clients in Colorado and Florida. Curious about how couples therapy can strengthen your relationship? Check out my blog for valuable insights!
