What to Do If Your Partner Is Hesitant About Couples Therapy
“Ughhhhhh!”
That’s the sound a lot of people make when they hear their partner suggest going to couples therapy.
There can be a lot of reasons why someone doesn’t love the idea of going to couples therapy. Some people get scared of what that means for their relationship. Many simply don’t want to go because they worry the couple’s therapist will just take sides and blame them for all of the problems in the relationship or make them talk about feelings for hours without any end in sight. Some have had a not-so-great experience in therapy before that makes them hesitant to try again.
And those fears are very real.
But, that doesn’t mean you can’t get your partner to feel more comfortable with the idea. The key is to do it the right way.
What to Do If Your Partner Is Hesitant About Couples Therapy
Listen and seek to understand their point of view
Nobody has ever been convinced to do something they don’t want to do without first feeling heard and understood. It’s kind of like making pasta: you have to soften it up before biting into it, otherwise you may end up with a broken tooth. If you bring up the idea of starting couples therapy and your partner isn’t too thrilled with the idea, your first step should be to understand why.
So, you can say something like, “Okay. It sounds like you’re not really into the idea, which is totally fine. What is it about couples therapy that makes you not want to do it?”
You don’t have to use these words exactly. The most important thing here is tone of voice. If you say something like this in a sarcastic or accusatory tone, your partner will likely respond with a lot of defensiveness and be less likely to try couples therapy. But, if you say it in a genuinely curious way, your partner will be much more likely to tell you why they’re hesitant.
Then it’s time to really try to understand why they don’t want to go. You’ll want to try to understand the surface-level reasons (such as it’s not fun) as well as any underlying reasons (like they’re worried the therapist will blame them for everything).
Once you have a good understanding of your partner’s concerns, you can address them in productive ways. So, for example, if your partner is worried that the therapist will take sides, you can talk about addressing that concern in the first session so the couple’s therapist knows they need to be mindful of not taking sides. Or if your partner is worried about only talking about feelings for an hour, you can look for a therapist that teaches concrete strategies.
Try not to give your partner an ultimatum
There are situations in life where an ultimatum may be the only realistic option for motivating someone to engage in treatment, but generally speaking, ultimatums should be avoided.
If you say to your partner, “You need to come to couples therapy with me or we’re done,” you’re more likely to get a negative response than the one you want. And then what do you do? You may find yourself stuck between a rock and a hard place because your partner is still refusing to try couples therapy.
Most of the time, it’s best to avoid giving an ultimatum.
Give your partner time to think about it
People’s brains work differently, and some people really need some time to process new information before making a confident decision. If you first approach your partner about starting couples therapy and they’re not so keen on the idea, it may be helpful to offer them some time to think about it.
This can have two big benefits: it takes the pressure off of your partner at the moment, and it communicates to your partner that you care about them and want them to feel like they can decide either way.
Talk about why you want to do couples therapy
If you bring up the idea of starting couples therapy with your partner without giving any context, their mind may spiral into all sorts of negative or catastrophizing thoughts. They may start thinking the worst even if that’s not the reality. That’s because when there is a lack of thorough information, our brains are wired to fill in the blanks. So a simple “I’d like us to go to couples therapy” can easily escalate to “our relationship is over” to your partner.
Providing some context of why you want to do couples therapy can be very helpful. Even saying something simple like, “I’ve noticed we’ve been arguing more recently, and I’d like us to be able to avoid the arguments, so I think it would be helpful if we look into couples therapy” can make a huge difference in how your partner receives the message!
As a recap, when you approach your partner about starting couples therapy with Fuzzy Socks Therapy, make sure to listen, understand their point of view, avoid an ultimatum, give them time to think about it, and explain why you want to do it.
Build a Stronger Connection With Couples Therapy in Scottsdale, AZ
Rediscover the connection you once shared and build stronger, healthier communication with the support of couples therapy. At Fuzzy Socks Therapy, we help couples navigate challenges, deepen emotional bonds, and create lasting change. Take the first step toward a more fulfilling relationship today. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Contact us or click here to book your free consultation to schedule your couples therapy session.
Meet with Lianna, Gottman couples therapist.
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Other Services Offered at Fuzzy Socks Therapy
At Fuzzy Socks Therapy, we know couples therapy might be just one of the services you're looking for. We also provide support through addiction therapy, therapy for neurodivergent teens and adults, discernment counseling for couples facing tough decisions, and coaching for neurodivergent parents. If you’re not located in Arizona, I also offer online services for those in Colorado and Florida. Curious about how couples therapy can help? Check out my blog to learn more!
